Perhaps its the fact that there are five planets currently in retrograde, perhaps it’s my upcoming 41st year in this fluid filled meat sack or perhaps its the incredible amount of change that my life has seen in the last year and half, no matter what the reason, I’m experiencing a crisis of the soul, a crisis of the spirit.
Like many, I’m going through a phase of inner reflection and I’m examining my life.
The unexamined life is not worth living. ~ Socrates
Socrates’ quote is certainly unrelenting in its absoluteness and its words stir in my head and heart with such a fury that the eddies it creates alone, are what keep me moving.
So what does one do when all those about them refuse to lose their heads, refuse to look within and are contented with glitter filled shallowness of perfectly preened still shots of a life they pretend to be living? Apparently, you write blog posts smattered with purple prose.
When Socrates spoke the above words, at his trial that ended in his death, he was interpreted as declaring that he would rather die than live without the pursuit of wisdom through education, examination, critical discussion and critical thought. There was a time when philosophy was intertwined with the spiritual life, the magickal life, it wasn’t just the world of academia. I suspect this is why magick has become so popular again because on the surface, magick creates a space that allows for the fanciful, for the opportunity to think outside of what we know and what we expect however, in the end, magick should make us better, wiser, aware, connected, empowered and conscious.
In all my years as a practitioner I never really truly understood what a challenge magick faces when wielded by those who don’t seek to be better until I opened a metaphysical bookstore. Day in and day out I meet people at various stages in their magickal development. My goal when I opened the shop was to educate, support and create a space where people could explore who they are and to become better, wiser. I thought I was doing what I’m “suppose” to be doing, I thought I was successful at it, that was until a few of the very people who I encouraged, supported and educated decided that my living a life that included not only magick but a life of integrity, was not for them. They want to control, they want to abuse and they want to shirk responsibility for their actions and they do this by using magick and spirituality as a platform to harm others.
I’m often heard saying, “Magick isn’t for everyone and it isn’t meant to be”. Recently I’ve been hearing a lot of my words parroted back at me by people who I have never met quoting people who are quoting me while passing off the quotes as their own. My work, my words and my ideas are being used by the unscrupulous to lull bauble blinded tenderfoots into a fantasy world of fairy farts and unicorn boners, where knowledge and personal responsibility yield to feel good sentiments and egoic rhetoric.
I feel like I’ve failed. I feel alone in the journey of wisdom. I’ve cried, a lot. I’m sure these confessions give unlimited levels of smug satisfaction to my detractors, to the people who have decided to troll my life, who have made it their mission to apparently make me incredibly important in their lives, so important that they can’t form their own thoughts without my words or have their own ideas without thieving mine.
Here in lies my crisis. I helped them.
I feel incredibly guilty for being so open and giving to people who didn’t deserve it. None of those people would have what they have in the magickal/spiritual community if it wasn’t for me. I helped create unethical practitioners who feel no remorse and who purposely seek to cause harm.
So what do I do now?
I carry on.
I remain a truth speaker.
As an old mentor used to tell me, “Just do the fucking work.”
And so I carry on doing the great fucking work and speaking the truth.